Man, I picked a poor phase in my life to start this current effort. It began in a mercury retrograde and as soon as that ended, mars retrograde started up. I'm feeling it too: my part time job has fallen apart, forcing me to stop typing and start job hunting. I'm sort of thrilled at the notion of getting out of the library coffee shop, though. Don't get me wrong, its been a great job for me for the last couple of school years, and it met my financial needs for a long time. Much more importantly than the money, I have met some incredible people who have impacted me in ways that I suspect will take years to recognize. Still, I suppose with all of my birthing/ caterpillar metaphors on this blog over the last few weeks, its rather apropos that I'd be getting squeezed out into a new world.
Its messing up the writing, though, and I look forward to the establishment of a new stability to continue working in. Not that I'm ceasing (I'm about to rough out some stuff I've been thinking about) but only that I'm distracted.
That's what mars retrograde is all about, though: the recognition and destruction of faulty drives and efforts, as well as the laying of new foundations. With that in mind, I can look back on the last few weeks and recognize that, for all my recent efforts in writing, I've really been learning what doesn't work for me rather than what does.
Still, there are those occasional moments when I tap the right space in my head, when the words start flowing and a feeling of disconnection with my body sets in, and I think to myself, "If it could feel like this more often, I don't know if I'd be able to stop."
To be really honest, I'm really scared right now, but I can't say of what. The closest I can get is the enormity of what I'm trying to do is starting to dawn on me, and what's at stake as well. Its too big right now (it like Mt. Everest decided to go for stroll in the fog), but I get little slivers of clarity.
I suppose I ought to get to work.
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